i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't deserve a penis
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
