I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
