Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Randomize
