Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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