He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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