Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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