All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
