The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize