i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
