her vagine was all disorganized.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
