the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
