Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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