i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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