Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
