If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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