your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
