i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
