I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
