we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
time to smoke my breakfast
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
