I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
you're hired as official boob wrangler
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
