Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
