I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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