Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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