thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
