we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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