How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
