So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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