Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
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