doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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