I want to have your abortion
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
