i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
