can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
