Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize