he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
