only you would photoshop your dick
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
