She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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