Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
