I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
