I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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