did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
