How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
