There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
