Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
