Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Semen is not good for contacts.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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