Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
