I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
