Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
