I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
