4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize