Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
