i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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