"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
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