I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
