I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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