I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
where does the pee come out of this thing
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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