3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
