is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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