i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
