i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize